White House and Galactic Empire Weigh In On Proposed Death Star
Internet denizens can sometimes be silly, yet awesome. Almost 35,000 people signed a petition on the White House’s website asking the Obama Administration to secure funding to build a Death Star by 2016. They argued that it would bolster national security and also create much-needed jobs. Hitting 25,000 signatures requires an official response, but it was unlikely that the response would be much more than a humorless “No, stop fooling around.” Imagine my surprise when the White House — one of the most important bureaucratic offices in the world — gave this statement.
You can read the whole thing here, but in short, the White House passed on the proposal for three reasons: it would cost too much (when what we want to do is reduce the deficit), the Administration does not support blowing up planets, and most importantly, they don’t want to waste taxpayer dollars on a giant space station with a fundamental flaw that can be easily exploited. Sound reasoning all around!
The response goes on, pointing out other Star Wars-esque advancements we have, such as a robot science lab satellite around Mars with a laser, floating droids, and quadruped walkers. (Sadly, there was no tongue-in-cheek offering of attack drones as a suitable substitute.) But the statement ends by encouraging careers in science, technology, engineering, and math, while reminding us that the power to destroy a planet is insignificant to the power of the Force. Sometimes, government can be awesome.
Of course, the Galactic Empire had to give their own response, gloating about how their Death Star would be superior, if one were hypothetically to be built. They also deny that it would have any design flaws. The full statement is below, but be warned, it’s pretty heavy on the pro-Palpatine propaganda:
IMPERIAL CENTER, CORUSCANT – The overwhelming military superiority of the Galactic Empire has been confirmed once again by the recent announcement by the President of the United States that his nation would not attempt to build a Death Star, despite the bellicose demands of the people of his tiny, aggressive planet. “It is doubtless that such a technological terror in the hands of so primitive a world would be used to upset the peace and sanctity of the citizens of the Galactic Empire,“ said Governor Wilhuff Tarkin of the Outer Rim Territories. “Such destructive power can only be wielded to protect and defend by so enlightened a leader as Emperor Palpatine.”
Representatives on behalf of the nation-state leader from the unimaginatively named planet refused to acknowledge the obvious cowardice of their choice, preferring instead to attribute the decision to fiscal responsibility. “The costs of construction they cited were ridiculously overestimated, though I suppose we must keep in mind that this miniscule planet does not have our massive means of production,” added Admiral Conan Motti of the Imperial Starfleet.
Emissaries of the Emperor also caution any seditious elements within the Galactic Senate not to believe Earth’s exaggerated claims of there being a weakness in the Death Star design. “Any attacks made upon such a station — should one ever be built — would be a useless gesture,” added Motti.